Opening Scene — The Whisper Behind the Smile#

It was during a group lunch when I noticed it.
A friend — let’s call her Lucy — laughed politely at another friend’s joke, but the moment he turned away, her smile faded. Later, in a quieter corner, she confided to me: “I just can’t stand him. He’s… odd. Always interrupting, always asking questions that don’t matter.”

The person she was talking about had no idea. He thought they were on good terms. But in Lucy’s mind, she had already built a quiet wall between them.

Why We Feel Dislike — The Psychology Behind It#

Dislike, or ilfeel, rarely appears out of nowhere. It’s often the result of a mix of perception, personal values, and emotional triggers. Science offers several explanations:

1. The Social Brain and Threat Detection
   The amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system, helps us quickly assess whether someone feels “safe” or “off.” Even subtle deviations from expected behaviour can trigger a mild defensive response.

2. In-group vs. Out-group Bias
   According to Social Identity Theory, we naturally favour those we see as part of our “group” and feel more guarded toward those we perceive as different — even in small ways like speech patterns or habits.

3. Cognitive Dissonance
   When someone’s actions clash with our values or expectations, our brain experiences discomfort. One way to resolve it is by distancing ourselves from that person.

4. Negativity Bias
   Humans are wired to focus more on negative impressions than positive ones. A single irritating behaviour can overshadow many good qualities.

5. Psychological Projection
   Sometimes, what we dislike in others reflects traits we fear or dislike in ourselves — a subconscious defence mechanism.

The Other Side — When We Are the One Disliked#

It’s uncomfortable to realise someone might not like us — especially without knowing why. But:

• We cannot control how others perceive us.
• Their dislike often says more about their perspective than our worth.
• Trying to please everyone is a guaranteed path to exhaustion.

A Stoic Approach to Dislike#

Stoicism teaches us to focus on what we can control — our own thoughts, actions, and responses — and to accept what we cannot.

Applied here:

• If you dislike someone — Ask: Is this feeling based on fact or assumption? If it’s behaviour-based, can you address it calmly or simply create healthy distance?
• If someone dislikes you — Resist the urge to over-explain or chase approval. Live according to your values and let your actions speak.

As the Stoics would say: “You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”

Case Study — The Quiet Divide#

In Lucy’s case, her dislike for her friend’s “odd” behaviour grew because she never addressed it. She avoided him, spoke about him behind his back, and eventually, the group dynamic shifted — he became more isolated without knowing why.

When I asked if she had ever told him how she felt, she admitted she hadn’t. “It’s not worth the drama,” she said. But the truth was, the silence created more harm than honesty might have.

Had she approached him with kindness — perhaps saying, “Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when conversations jump too quickly” — he might have understood and adjusted. Or, if nothing changed, she could have chosen to keep her distance without resentment.

Reflection — Choosing Our Lens#

Dislike is natural. But how we handle it determines whether it becomes a quiet poison or a passing feeling.

“We can’t choose who likes us, but we can choose whether our dislike becomes a wall or a window.”

Sometimes, the most valuable thing we can do is shift our perspective — to see the human behind the habit, or to accept that not every connection is meant to be close. In doing so, we protect our peace without closing our hearts.