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Human interactions are rarely neutral. Sometimes, we instinctively adjust our posture, tone, and even our thoughts depending on who’s in front of us. Two of the most powerful — and often intertwined — feelings in these moments are deference and gratitude.
There’s a subtle shift in our behaviour when we interact with certain people. With seniors, elders, or authority figures, we often feel a mix of respect and caution. With those who have helped us, we feel a pull toward gratitude — sometimes so strong that it turns into discomfort if we can’t repay them.
From My Own Perspective
I’ve felt it in different settings:
- The slight stiffness when speaking to a senior at school.
- The careful politeness when greeting a new neighbour who’s clearly older and more established.
- The extra thought I put into my words when talking to my internship supervisor.
And then there’s the other side — the warmth and weight of gratitude. Like when someone lends me something I need, or helps me out of a tricky situation. I feel thankful, but also uneasy if I can’t return the favour quickly.
1. Deference: When Our Steps Feel Heavier
A Personal Moment
I still remember my first day as an intern. The office was cool, but my palms were damp. At the far end of the table sat my supervisor — a man with years of experience and a calm, measured presence. When he looked up, I straightened my back without thinking, carefully choosing my words, nodding a little deeper than usual. He wasn’t intimidating in the traditional sense, yet something about his quiet authority made me feel… deferential.
Why We Feel This Way
- Social Hierarchies — Our brains are quick to read cues of status: age, experience, position. These cues trigger caution and respect.
- Cultural Conditioning — In many cultures, especially collectivist ones, respect for elders and authority is instilled from childhood through language, gestures, and etiquette.
- Psychological Awareness — Being in the presence of someone who can influence our opportunities or reputation makes us more self-conscious.
Reflection
Deference can be a bridge to respectful relationships. But when it tips into excessive self-censorship, it creates distance. The balance lies in respecting without erasing your own voice.
2. Gratitude: The Pull to Repay Kindness
A Personal Moment
Years ago, I ran out of money at the end of the month. A friend, without hesitation, lent me what I needed. “Pay me back whenever,” they said. I nodded, but inside I felt a mix of warmth and weight — warmth from being cared for, weight from not knowing when I could return the favour.
Why We Feel This Way
- The Reciprocity Norm — Social psychology shows we’re wired to return favours; it keeps relationships balanced.
- Emotional Debt — Help received in a vulnerable moment often feels like a debt that’s hard to measure.
- Fear of Appearing Ungrateful — We worry that failing to reciprocate will make us seem careless or unappreciative.
Reflection
Gratitude is a beautiful force, but it doesn’t always need to be repaid in the same form. Sometimes, the best repayment is to pass the kindness forward (pay it forward) or to nurture the relationship sincerely, without keeping score.
The Invisible Scales We Carry
Think of every interaction as a set of scales.
When we face someone older or in authority, the scales tilt — not in value, but in weight — prompting us to adjust our behaviour.
When someone helps us, the scales tilt again, this time with the weight of kindness, and we instinctively want to restore balance.
The Psychology Behind Deference to Authority
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Social Hierarchies
Humans are wired to recognise and respond to hierarchy. In evolutionary terms, respecting those with more experience or status helped maintain group stability. -
Cultural Conditioning
In many cultures, especially collectivist ones, deference to elders and authority is taught from childhood — through language, gestures, and etiquette. -
Power Dynamics
Authority figures often have influence over opportunities, resources, or social standing. This awareness shapes our behaviour, even subconsciously.
Why Gratitude Can Feel Heavy
-
Reciprocity Norm
Social psychology tells us that when someone does something for us, we feel an obligation to return the favour. This is a deeply ingrained human tendency. -
Emotional Debt
Gratitude can sometimes feel like a debt — especially if the help was significant or came at a vulnerable moment. -
Fear of Imbalance
Relationships feel more comfortable when they’re balanced. Unreturned help can make us feel like we’re “behind” in the exchange.
Analogy: The Scales We Carry
Imagine every interaction as a set of scales.
When someone older or in authority stands before us, the scales tilt — not in value, but in weight. We instinctively adjust our posture, tone, and words to “balance” the interaction.
When someone helps us, the scales tilt again — this time with the weight of kindness. We want to add something back to even it out.
Finding a Healthy Balance
- Respect Without Fear — Recognise authority without losing your own voice.
- Gratitude Without Guilt — Accept help as a gift, not a chain.
- Reciprocate in Your Own Time — Repayment doesn’t have to be immediate or equal in form; sincerity matters more.
- See the Human First — Behind the title or the favour is just another person navigating their own life.
Closing Reflection
“Respect and gratitude are two of the most beautiful instincts we have — but they’re healthiest when they come from choice, not compulsion.”
Whether it’s the quiet formality with a senior or the warm pull to repay a kindness, these feelings remind us that relationships are built not just on words, but on the invisible currents of human connection.
